When I was a little girl....I had dreams. Oh, did I have
dreams. I knew exactly what I wanted in life. To find my Prince Charming and
for him to come into my dreary little life and to make it all better. To take
me away. To love me, adore me, worship me, be kind to me, know all of my wishes
and dreams and for him to spend his life making my dreams come true. Oh, and I
wanted children - at least two, a boy and a girl.
I would imagine this perfect man and our perfect life
together.
In fact, I would sneak into my older sister's room and sit
in front of her vanity with its mirror, I would brush my hair, and talk to my
reflection about all of my hopes and dreams. I did this for hours, mind you.
Just me and my charming prince. In fact, as I grew older, in the 60's, I
decided it was Prince Charles of England who was my intended destiny. HE would somehow find out about me, in my
obscure little life, in Charlotte, NC. After all, he was searching far and wide
for his princess! I followed stories about him and his need for a queen
regularly. Someday. My prince WILL come!
But he did not come. Not then, not ever. What came was a nice
boy from down the street who liked me a lot, but couldn't quite bring himself
to 'go public' with me at a school prom or even a date. I know what it was. It
was my weight. I had gained a lot of weight after a traumatic year when I was
12. I was sexually molested by a family member, then a 70 year old neighbor,
then a stranger in the park. I was just walking home, 12 years old, and he
decided he had to grab one of my breasts as he rode by on his bicycle. I wonder
about that guy sometimes. Like me, he has to be in his 60's by now. Does he
remember? Does he care? Does he have ANY idea how he devastated me that day? He
sexually assaulted a 12 year old girl!! But I'm sure he has forgotten it.
"Just a teenage prank." He's probably a rich lawyer or a professor,
and I am quite sure he does not think of me.
But I think about him. Him, my neighbor, a trusted family
member. I think of all of them and what they did to my life and to my dreams.
I gained 30 pounds in one summer when I was 12. I'd figured
out a solution! Sure enough, guys left me alone. No more fear as I walked in
the park, or when I saw my neighbor or when that certain family member visited.
No more cringing when I walked into the school cafeteria and multiple kids
yelled, "Miss Titty!!" No, I was safe now, like Repunzel, locked away
in her castle. A castle of my own making, but quite effective and secure. If
there was one thing that could keep you safe from the traumas of being a
pubescent young girl, it was becoming a fat girl. It was like a miracle!! Gone, all of them,
gone! No more boy troubles for me.
No wonder I wanted a prince to come rescue me. No wonder I
followed Prince Charles and his handsome self, polo ponies, beautiful castles
and royal yachts. If only he would find me.
It never occurred to me, sitting in front of that vanity,
hidden away where no one knew where I was, that Prince Charles wouldn't want a
fat girl either.
And so I learned to settle. To accept that no one was coming
knocking on my door, or inviting me to the Senior Prom. My plan had worked, I
was left alone. But also mocked, made fun of and called names. No more
"Miss Titty." Now it was "Fatso," "tub of lard"
and other unpleasantries. I became the loneliest person on earth. I began wearing
my Dad's huge sweaters to hide my hideous body. I hid in every way I could. I
stayed home from school, sick. Yeah, sick of the bullies. I became silent at
school, never raised my hand in class and didn't interact with anyone.
Once, I traded on my older brother's good will and invited
his best friend to the Sadie Hawkins dance. I was a junior and he was the best
looking, most popular senior in the school. I knew it would turn heads!
Out of deference to and friendship with my brother, this
beautiful senior guy accepted my invitation. He picked me up, drove us to the
school dance, and was a perfect gentleman. Yep, I turned heads! We danced.
We talked. We stood around and watched other people dance.
And it dawned on me. How ridiculous we looked! Me, bulging
at the seams, him, athletic and handsome. Dancing, of all things. Can you
imagine any thing more absurd? I thought I would show those other students.
Instead, they had more to make fun of me for than ever.
I will always appreciate what a sweet, charming, brave soul
my date was. He was confident and knew no one would make fun of him. But for
me, it was a new low. New fodder for my critics. Of course, I never heard from
my date again.
No, my prince charming did not come easily. Even Prince Charles
found somebody else. Some skinny day care worker.
So what does one do? Give up? Fight back? NO.
It might take a while, it may not come in the way you were
expecting, but there really IS a 'happily ever after.' Dreams do come true, and not just at Disney
World. I should know, because my dreams have come true. I feel quite confident
in my happily ever after. I am glad to say that there is life after your dreams
are crushed and broken.
God. Yes, God.
I was brought up believing in Him and even loving Him. I
believe he saw me through all the tough times and stayed close to me when I was
broken and hopeless.
It is not too late for your happily ever after. If you are
still breathing, then your dreams can still come true.
Take away: No matter what you have been through, there is
an answer and I believe His name is God. Join me as we see how God has watched
me, loved me, seen me and rescued me. He wants to do the same for you!
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