An Angel On My Path

In my journey to my happily ever after, I had to figure out how to cope with all that life threw at me.
At 12 years old, I experienced my first bout of depression. At that time, I didn't even know what depression was. All I knew was that life suddenly seemed very, very difficult. I couldn't sleep at night but could sleep all day long if allowed. Going to school, facing my tormentors and bullies, seemed like an impossibility.

 I had a large family - I was #6 out of 8 children. Despite how that sounds, it wasn't a house full of laughing children. It felt very intense in my home. As I remember it, my Dad would go off to work each day, kissing my mother goodbye and stating "I'll call you later." My Mother and I weren't close - she seemed tired all the time and preoccupied. I may well have been the only one who felt lonely in our large family.

What my mother did best, was cook amazing meals for the 10 of us. Food not only helped me feel better when people made fun of me, and became the walls that kept me safe from men and boys, but it also was the one thing that made me feel closer to my mother. I mean, who works so hard and rises so early to feed their households, unless they love them?  Food now equaled love. Great. Another reason for me to turn to food to fill my emptiness.

 

I remember being in the 7th grade. It had been quite a decline since my sixth grade year. In 6th, I was happy, carefree and President of the Honor Society. I was making straight A's. I was following in the steps of my other overachieving siblings.

Then came the great interruption of being sexually abused. Everything changed. I was no longer happy and carefree. Now, I turned to food.

My Mom's wonderful food. Fried chicken. Roast beef on Sundays. Full country breakfasts on the weekends. And the desserts, oh, the desserts.  German Chocolate Cake. Pearl's Pound Cake. Caramel Cake. Chocolate Pound Cake. Brown Sugar Pound Cake. I didn't feel capable of having a loving, nurturing conversation with my Mom. But, boy oh boy, my Mom could bake and I could eat her sweet concoctions!

By 7th grade, as I entered junior high school, I felt sad and overwhelmed. Yes, I had solved my problem of men and boys being 'after me.' However, on the other hand, I was now getting close to 200 pounds and felt lonely and ashamed. Nobody knew my secrets. Not until I told my mother when I was 32 years old!

As I endured all the indignities of 7th grade, my grades began to slip. My self esteem was crushed. My personal hygiene was a problem. I didn't know what to do and quickly I was becoming someone who didn't care.

Then, I met Mr. Padgett.  My 7th grade English teacher.  I didn't really notice him especially, until one day when he asked me to stay after school to talk. Great, a talk. I did stay, but it wasn't the meeting I was expecting. Mr. Padgett started our conference with the following statement: "You can't be Wyndham Shaw's sister and be this dumb."  I was thrilled. Finally, someone had noticed!! No, I wasn't dumb. In fact, I was smart. Mr. Padgett continued, "I want you to start bringing your homework assignments by every day - in every class. We are going to work on them. You are not going to continue on this way."

I was in love! Someone had looked through my bullshit and seen the real me. Someone cared enough
to see the real me and to invest in helping me get better.

Mr. Padgett was an angel on my path. I believe that God placed him in my path to help guide me, lead me, keep me from quitting or going down a disastrous road. When I was a senior in class, and in a better place, I wrote an essay about Mr. Padgett in a contest sponsored by the City Council of Jacksonville. I wrote about how this man, this angel, had singled me out. How he had seen potential in me, based on my successful brother whom he had taught previously. I wrote about how Mr. Padgett was indeed my most influential teacher and how I owed him my life. I won that essay contest. I still have the unabridged dictionary I won.

I later became an award winning middle and high school teacher. Mr. Padgett was my inspiration and I believe I have paid it forward many times over.

I had an angel on my path. He came when I least expected him and most needed him. He changed the direction of my life. As an adult, I have tried many times to find him with no luck. Still, I know who my angel was and somehow I hope he knows too.

What about you? Have you had someone who has happened along in your life and ended up changing the direction of it? Do you pay attention to the angels on your path? Do you pay it forward?

Take away:  Life is hard. Sometimes it feels unbearable. But God loves each one of us and is completely aware of what we are going through and how we feel. And then, God expects each one of us to pay it forward. To find avenues by which we can help and impact others. In fact, where would we be without angels on our path?

Little Girls and Their Dreams

Little Girls and their Dreams

When I was a little girl....I had dreams. Oh, did I have dreams. I knew exactly what I wanted in life. To find my Prince Charming and for him to come into my dreary little life and to make it all better. To take me away. To love me, adore me, worship me, be kind to me, know all of my wishes and dreams and for him to spend his life making my dreams come true. Oh, and I wanted children - at least two, a boy and a girl.

I would imagine this perfect man and our perfect life together.

In fact, I would sneak into my older sister's room and sit in front of her vanity with its mirror, I would brush my hair, and talk to my reflection about all of my hopes and dreams. I did this for hours, mind you. Just me and my charming prince. In fact, as I grew older, in the 60's, I decided it was Prince Charles of England who was my intended destiny.  HE would somehow find out about me, in my obscure little life, in Charlotte, NC. After all, he was searching far and wide for his princess! I followed stories about him and his need for a queen regularly. Someday. My prince WILL come!

But he did not come. Not then, not ever. What came was a nice boy from down the street who liked me a lot, but couldn't quite bring himself to 'go public' with me at a school prom or even a date. I know what it was. It was my weight. I had gained a lot of weight after a traumatic year when I was 12. I was sexually molested by a family member, then a 70 year old neighbor, then a stranger in the park. I was just walking home, 12 years old, and he decided he had to grab one of my breasts as he rode by on his bicycle. I wonder about that guy sometimes. Like me, he has to be in his 60's by now. Does he remember? Does he care? Does he have ANY idea how he devastated me that day? He sexually assaulted a 12 year old girl!! But I'm sure he has forgotten it. "Just a teenage prank." He's probably a rich lawyer or a professor, and I am quite sure he does not think of me. 

But I think about him. Him, my neighbor, a trusted family member. I think of all of them and what they did to my life and to my dreams.

I gained 30 pounds in one summer when I was 12. I'd figured out a solution! Sure enough, guys left me alone. No more fear as I walked in the park, or when I saw my neighbor or when that certain family member visited. No more cringing when I walked into the school cafeteria and multiple kids yelled, "Miss Titty!!" No, I was safe now, like Repunzel, locked away in her castle. A castle of my own making, but quite effective and secure. If there was one thing that could keep you safe from the traumas of being a pubescent young girl, it was becoming a fat girl.  It was like a miracle!! Gone, all of them, gone! No more boy troubles for me.

No wonder I wanted a prince to come rescue me. No wonder I followed Prince Charles and his handsome self, polo ponies, beautiful castles and royal yachts. If only he would find me.

It never occurred to me, sitting in front of that vanity, hidden away where no one knew where I was, that Prince Charles wouldn't want a fat girl either.

And so I learned to settle. To accept that no one was coming knocking on my door, or inviting me to the Senior Prom. My plan had worked, I was left alone. But also mocked, made fun of and called names. No more "Miss Titty." Now it was "Fatso," "tub of lard" and other unpleasantries. I became the loneliest person on earth. I began wearing my Dad's huge sweaters to hide my hideous body. I hid in every way I could. I stayed home from school, sick. Yeah, sick of the bullies. I became silent at school, never raised my hand in class and didn't interact with anyone.

Once, I traded on my older brother's good will and invited his best friend to the Sadie Hawkins dance. I was a junior and he was the best looking, most popular senior in the school. I knew it would turn heads!

Out of deference to and friendship with my brother, this beautiful senior guy accepted my invitation. He picked me up, drove us to the school dance, and was a perfect gentleman. Yep, I turned heads! We danced. We talked. We stood around and watched other people dance.

And it dawned on me. How ridiculous we looked! Me, bulging at the seams, him, athletic and handsome. Dancing, of all things. Can you imagine any thing more absurd? I thought I would show those other students. Instead, they had more to make fun of me for than ever.

I will always appreciate what a sweet, charming, brave soul my date was. He was confident and knew no one would make fun of him. But for me, it was a new low. New fodder for my critics. Of course, I never heard from my date again.

No, my prince charming did not come easily. Even Prince Charles found somebody else. Some skinny day care worker.

So what does one do? Give up? Fight back? NO.

It might take a while, it may not come in the way you were expecting, but there really IS a 'happily ever after.'  Dreams do come true, and not just at Disney World. I should know, because my dreams have come true. I feel quite confident in my happily ever after. I am glad to say that there is life after your dreams are crushed and broken.

God. Yes, God.

I was brought up believing in Him and even loving Him. I believe he saw me through all the tough times and stayed close to me when I was broken and hopeless.

It is not too late for your happily ever after. If you are still breathing, then your dreams can still come true.

Take away:  No matter what you have been through, there is an answer and I believe His name is God. Join me as we see how God has watched me, loved me, seen me and rescued me. He wants to do the same for you!